Well PPG's done it, so I thought I'd see how I got on at MSTing a Mr Bigelsworth "fanfic"

Anyway, Pikachu is at the centre of the group, with Bulbasaur and Pidgeotto to his left and Squirtle and Charmander to his right - this was before Charmander evolved. A printout of the fic is on the floor between them.

PIDGEOTTO: So, Pikachu, what's this?

PIKACHU: A piece of drivel by someone who THINKS he can write stories!

{Pikachu rolls his eyes}

ALL THE POKEMON DIE AGAIN: THE SEQUAL

SQUIRTLE: A sequel's always worse than the original

CHARMANDER: And besides, how could we - I mean "they" die again? Did they all come back to life?

Disclaimer: I want Chicken, I want Liver, meow mix meow mix please deliver.

PIDGEOTTO: You WANT a good dose of Pikachu's Thundershock!

PIKACHU: Forget it - I'm not wasting valuable energy on this loser!

Once upon a time, in Pokemon Land,

CHARMANDER {sarcastically}: Ooh! It's gonna be a fairy tale!

PIKACHU: With the optimum word being "fairy"

every thing was HAPPY!

PIDGEOTTO: Oh, how cute! {She gags a few time} Syrupy mush makes me sick!

BULBASAUR: Besides, shouldn't "everything" be all one word?

Then it wasn't.

SQUIRTLE: What wasn't happy?

BULBASAUR: I'm amazed he can even write in sentences.

It wasn't happy because Ass Ketchup

PIKACHU: That's ASH KETCHUM! {sparks start to fly from his cheeks as the others jump aside}

PIDGEOTTO: Steady on, Pikachu!

decided to be an asshole master

CHARMANDER: He's either ignorant or suffering from Tourette's Syndrome - I don't know which.

BULBASAUR: Besides, whoever heard of an "asshole master"?

or what ever the hell it is.

CHARMANDER: Looks like it's Tourette's Syndrome that's making him do this.

PIKACHU: Yes - even Team Rocket aren't dumb enough to use two swear words in the same sentence.

He was walking with the Blind Guy and the Retarded Girl With Red Hair.

PIDGEOTTO {briefly adopts an attack pose and then just shrugs}: Since I assume you mean Brock and Misty, kindly use their names.

SQUIRTLE: Loser!

"I like ponies" Ass said.

PIKACHU: Funny - Ash never said anything about liking ponies to me.

CHARMANDER: I think he was trying to be as frickin' lazy as he could - so he wrote the first thing he thought of!

Just then a pony came running out of the forest

PIKACHU: I didn't know ponies lived in the Pokemon World. Go take a look round, Pidgeotto - see if you spot any ponies.

PIDGEOTTO: OK! {she flies off}

and kicked him in the face.

SQUIRTLE: Wow! That's gotta hurt! {he shakes his head and laughs}

BULBASAUR: I just wish someone would kick this Mr Bigelsworth jerk in the head!

PIKACHU: Not that it'd make much difference . . .

Ass almost died but didn't, much to the despise of the World.

{Pikachu, Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle exchange bewildered looks}

BULBASAUR: What's he trying to say here?

CHARMANDER: Sounds like he dropped out of school - after kindergarten!

So the trio continued on to BitchAssLandville.

PIKACHU: Where-ever THAT is . . .

PIKACHU: Yeah, Bigelsworth, trying counting on your fingers - unless they're "otherwise occupied" of course.

{At that moment, Pidgeotto comes winging back. The others greet her.}

SQUIRTLE: So, Pidgeotto - any ponies?

PIDGEOTTO: Nope - saw some Ponyta and Rapidash though. {She pauses to look at how far the others have gotten} Did I miss anything?

BULBASAUR: He's just about to send us to "BitchAssLandville"

They made it to the city. They noticed people running away from the city.

PIDGEOTTO: I hope they were running away from a giant inflatable Mr Bigelsworth.

CHARMANDER: And I hope Mr Bigelsworth learns to write beyond the level of a five-year-old.

They were to stupid to care.

PIKACHU: HOW DARE YOU! {Sparks fly from his cheeks} ASH, MISTY AND BROCK ARE NOT STUPID!

PIKACHU: AND, IF THEY SAW PEOPLE RUNNING AWAY, THEY'D TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!

{Pikachu pauses to catch his breath}

When they got to the city they saw an alien space ship from the movie Independence Day.

PIDGEOTTO {rolls her eyes}: So THAT'S what all the people were running from. . .

BULBASAUR: I doubt it - looks like he just shoved those aliens in for the sake of it.

They were again to stupid to care.

PIKACHU: And Mr Bigelsworth was again too - note the extra O - stupid to write coherently.

They were about out of the city when the aliens used the super lazer thing.

SQUIRTLE: Wait! What did they do in "BitchAssLandville"?

PIKACHU: I know what Mr Bigelsworth is - a loser and a jerk!

The city started exploding.

SQUIRTLE {launches into some mock applause}: Well - that makes sense at least. But couldn't he have said more?

PIDGEOTTO: I doubt his vocabulary stretches that far - and his writing skills leave a lot to be desired . . . {she shrugs her wings}

The trio

BULBASAUR: QUARTET!

ran but Pickachu

PIKACHU: That's PIkachu, you little freak!

was caught in the fire.

SQUIRTLE: So, Pikachu - according to Mr Bigelsworth, you're dead. How does it feel?

PIKACHU: I wouldn't know because I'm NOT DEAD!

{Pikachu is now so angry that he lets rip with a Thundershock and sends all his friends sprawling on the ground}

"NOOOOOOOO........ok" Ass yelled.

{Pidgeotto picks herself up and shakes her head}

PIDGEOTTO: I would THINK Ash - or "Ass" as this loser likes to call him - would be a LITTLE more concerned if Pikachu got burned alive.

CHARMANDER: Sounds like Mr Bigelsworth's got a case of killoffitis!

They walked on to Whoreville.

PIDGEOTTO {mock disappointed}: Aw - I wanted to read about how they fought the aliens.

SQUIRTLE: I don't think this jerk's limited imagination would stretch that far.

The Blind Guy

PIKACHU: BROCK!

was walking along but didn't see the Giant Killer Dinosaur.

CHARMANDER: So it's Giant Killer Dinosaurs now? What else is he just going to shove into this plotless tripe?

SQUIRTLE: As long as it doesn't involve unbelievable or gory deaths, I don't mind.

The Retarded Girl

PIKACHU: MISTY!

and Ass

PIKACHU: ASH!

ran. The Blind Guy was instantly and messily devoured.

SQUIRTLE: Oops - looks like I spoke too soon.

The Giant Killer Dinosaur chased Ass and the Retarded Girl.

PIDGEOTTO: WHY couldn't it have chased Mr Bigelsworth?

PIKACHU: I wish it had EATEN Mr Bigelsworth, but he'd probably give it heartburn.

The Retarded Girl and Ass found a jeep

SQUIRTLE: Conveniently shoved into the story by someone too lame to plan his plotlines.

and jumped in. They sped through the forest.

PIKACHU: Since WHEN could you speed through a forest?

PIDGEOTTO: For one thing, the trees would get in the way. AND . . . oh, never mind.

The Giant Killer Dinosaur chased them as they sped under dead tree trunks and over bumps.

PIKACHU: Reality check, Mr Bigelsworth - dead tree trunks are usually on the ground.

They made it to Whoreville were the police

PIDGEOTTO: What's he trying to say here?

SQUIRTLE: Probably because they're the only words he really understands.

chased The Giant Killer Dinosaur away with sticks and stuffed bunnies.

CHARMANDER: So the "Giant Killer Dinosaur" which, allegedly, killed Brock was just a big fat wimp.

Ass and the Retarded Girl stopped in a local bar, lied about their age and got drunk as hell.

PIKACHU {exasperated}: Great! Now he's got Ash and Misty taking up underage drinking.

SQUIRTLE: Is there NO limit to how low this guy will stoop?

Ass woke up the next morning next to some guy that he didn't know.

SQUIRTLE: Nope - doesn't look like it.

He left the crummy hotel he was in and set out to find the Retarded Girl.

PIKACHU: WITHOUT GETTING DRESSED?! If he'd been doing what I think . . .

BULBASAUR: Leave it to Mr Bigelsworth to put a plot hole so large a Snorlax could fall in and there'd still be room to spare.

He found her

PIDGEOTTO: About to castrate Mr Bigelsworth! {she laughs out loud}

in an Alley next to some street bum.

PIDGEOTTO: I stand corrected.

CHARMANDER {groans}: Please - not one-night stands as well!

He woke her up

PIKACHU: If Misty was supposed to be asleep when Ash found her, why didn't Mr Bigelsworth say so?

SQUIRTLE: Probably because he was skimping on detail again.

and they want to the hospital.

PIDGEOTTO: Gibberish at two o'clock!

{Pidgeotto takes to the air as if to divebomb an invisable enemy}

There he got medication for his headache.

BULBASAUR: Oh, they WENT to the hospital.

BULBASAUR: And they'd keep him in kindergarten for the rest of his life because he's so dense.

"One per day" the bottle read.

SQUIRTLE: I didn't know bottles could read.

PIDGEOTTO: I think our dear retarded "friend" means the label on the bottle.

Ass shrugged, confused, and stuck the container in his pocket.

PIKACHU: At least THAT'S a reasonable coherant sentence - I just wish he'd stop calling Ash "Ass".

{Pikachu shakes his head}

The Retarded Girl came out of a room.

BULBASAUR: Holding aloft the severed head of Mr Bigelsworth!

SQUIRTLE: No - it was Bigelsworth's dick she'd chopped off!

"I'm pregnant" she said.

PIDGEOTTO {puffs up her feathers}: Bigelsworth, you have sunk to a new low - Misty isn't even in her teens yet.

PIKACHU: So, so far, we've had a pony kicking Ash in the face, me getting killed by aliens, Brock getting eaten alive, Ash and Misty getting drunk - AND having underage sex. . .

{Pikachu looks towards the heavens as if pleading for a bit of sanity}

CHARMANDER: Well - what did you expect from someone with Tourette's Syndrome?

A few months later the Retarded Girl gave birth to a little boy that she named

SQUIRTLE: Bob? George? Tom?

Cindy.

{All the Pokemon collapse in a heap}

They left Cindy with the drug doin street bum father.

PIDGEOTTO: Right, you little putz, I've got a coupla questions for you. One, Who in their right minds would name a BOY Cindy? Two, When did Ash and Misty meet up with the "drug doin street bum" again? Three, How could ANYONE leave a child with a druggy? {she squawks in exasperation} Really - this is getting more stupid by the second!

They were walking in the forest

CHARMANDER: The same forest where Brock got eaten?

until they saw

BULBASAUR: Mr Bigelsworth having sex with a Primeape!

Godzilla!

PIKACHU: Who was wondering what the hell he was doing in a Pokemon story.

PIDGEOTTO: Having been carelessly shoved in for the sake of making it as ridiculous as possible.

They started running but Godzilla stepped on the Retarded Girl.

CHARMANDER {covers his eyes}: Oh no! Misty's dead!

PIKACHU: Take your hands away from your eyes, Charmander - it's just Mr Bigelsworth spouting even more junk.

Ass watched as Godzilla stomped away.

PIDGEOTTO {sarcastically}: Getting soft, aren't you? What's the matter - taxed your tiny brain so you can't be bothered to have Godzilla kill "Ass" as well?

SQUIRTLE {adopts a position of prayer}: Please - SOMEONE kill Mr Bigelsworth! I can't take much more of this!

"Damn it!!" He yelled.

CHARMANDER {scratching his head}: Er, wouldn't someone who'd just seen his last surviving friend killed say something a bit stronger than "damn it"

PIKACHU {clicks his tongue}: Tsk! Tsk! Mr Bigelsworth's standards of bad language are slipping . . .

He was walking along until a man dressed in black stuck a gun to him and told Ass to give him all of his Pokemon.

PIKACHU: Sounds like a member of Team Rocket to me - at least Bigelsworth knows SOMETHING about our world.

SQUIRTLE: From what I've seen of him, he can't seem to grasp anything beyond swearing and making crude jokes.

Ass handed over the Pokemon ball things.

CHARMANDER {angry}: Learn some fucking terminology before you dash off any more lame "stories" - it's "Poke Balls", NOT "ball things"!

The man hurried off to burn them.

PIKACHU: Looks like I was wrong about him being from Team Rocket - they want us alive so they wouldn't burn us in our Poke Balls.

PIDGEOTTO: Chances are Bigelsworth doesn't even know what "research" is.

Ass

PIKACHU: For the last time - it's ASH!

was walking along until the man in black caught up with him and sprayed him with a flame-thrower. Ass

PIKACHU: OK, please yourself - if want to call him Ass, go right ahead. Don't let me stop you - you've already killed me off anyway . . .

ran around on fire and eventually died.

{Pidgeotto starts crying. She dabs at her eyes with her wings}

PIDGEOTTO {sniffles}: That is so sad! {she pulls herself together} And Mr Bigelsworth does it again - another gory and pointless death in a completely plotless story.

As for Pokemon Land, the Independence Day aliens

BULBASAUR: I was wondering when they'd turn up again.

PIDGEOTTO: Easy - Bigelsworth just likes inserting random characters!

took it over and tortured all the Pokemon until they all died.

PIDGEOTTO: Funny, I don't FEEL dead.

CHARMANDER: Mr Bigelsworth's at it again - don't mind him.

Then

SQUIRTLE: Their ghosts rose up and dragged Mr Bigelsworth to the depths of Hell!

the Giant Killer Dinosaur ate every body. Then Godzilla ran off to kill the people of Digimon.

SQUIRTLE: Thought not - but at least we know Godzilla WASN'T the Giant Killer Dinosaur.

PIDGEOTTO: I just wish Bigelsworth had dropped dead instead of making us sit through this dumbass tripe! {she preens herself haughtily}

THE END

{All the Pokemon heave a sigh of relief}

PIKACHU: Well? Marks out of ten?

{Each of the Pokemon holds up a card with a large zero printed on it}

PIDGEOTTO: Since none of us except Pikachu were actually IN the story . . .

PIKACHU: That settles it then. Charmander, you know what to do . . .

{Charmander uses his Flamethrower on Mr Bigelsworth's handiwork, ensuring that it never again darkens the Internet}

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