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These antific writers really piss me off - so I'm going to do to this what I did to Mr Bigelsworth's a few weeks back. I've roped Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres and Lugia in to deal with it this time - hence the title A Legendary MSTing
Cut to a scene on Shamouti Island (see The Power Of One for more on this location) where the four Legendaries are ready to tell us exactly how they feel about Pokemon haters.
And, now - it's over to the Birds! Like the last time I used Pokemon for MSTing, I'm writing this in English, even though Lugia is the only one of the four capable of speech.
MOLTRES: Er, would you three mind telling me why you've dragged me all the way out here.
ZAPDOS: Lugia came to my Island last night and said something about antific writers running rife again - said we'd be needed to give a few a quick MSTing.
MOLTRES: Fine by me. Lugia, could we have the first fic please?
{Lugia dives into the sea and heads for his underwater chamber. He returns moments later with a copy of Snowboarder's fic held in his beak}
LUGIA: Here - it got a bit wet on the way up, but it should still be readable.
{The four Legendaries gather round}
My Anti-Pokemon Story
MOLTRES: Not again! WHY can't someone write an Uncle-Pokemon story for once?!
ARTICUNO: Not the most imaginative of titles - I mean, it doesn't exactly take a genius to come up with an idea like that.
LUGIA: Then again, it doesn't take much imagination to write the average antific. Just bung together a few horrible deaths and . . . {he yawns} I've seen it all before . . .
Disclaimer: If I had a dollar for how much I hate pokemon, I'd have 1 dollar.
ZAPDOS: Well, you can't hate Pokemon all that much, can you?
MOLTRES: Not if you think it's only worth $1 of your hatred {she rolls her eyes} . . . or did you mean "If I had a CENT for how much I blah-blah-blah . . ?"
ARTICUNO: Besides, shouldn't "pokemon" be capitalised?
LUGIA: If ONE little capitalisation error is all we've got to worry about here, it'll be a miracle.
Ass Ketchup, the Retarded Girl With Red Hair, and the Blind Guy
LUGIA: Hang on!
MOLTRES {startled}: What - what?
LUGIA: Aren't those the exact same names some idiot called Mr Bigelsworth used? In fact, I'm pretty sure they are . . .
ARTICUNO: Another point off Snowboarder's IQ [imagination quotient]! If you're going to parody something, at least make up your own lame names!
ZAPDOS: Yeah - I mean "Ass Ketchup" is a BIT obvious. And couldn't you have called "the Retarded Girl" and "the Blind Guy" Bitchy and Cock or something?
LUGIA: Naughty naughty, Snowboarder - no-one likes a plagiarist.
were walking through the forest. They decided to camp out.
MOLTRES: Which your typical antific writer should be an expert on.
ARTICUNO: I think they tend to be more into the Butch side of it. {puts on what would, in a human, be an exageratedly masculine voice} YO! I FUCKING WRITE FUCKING ANTIFICS! I AM SO FUCKING GAY I CAN'T FUCKING ADMIT IT!
LUGIA {raises his wing for silence}: All right, Articuno. We get the idea - now can we PLEASE get on with this?
They rolled out their sleeping bags and laid down and went to sleep.
MOLTRES: Hang on! Where's the big sex scene? They ALWAYS have an almighty orgy in these things!
LUGIA: Not necessarily. If you look, you'll see it's only a PG13 - so the most you'll get's a lot of sex talk.
When they woke up in the morning, Ass couldn't find his little yellow rat.
LUGIA: What "little yellow rat"? You never said anything about a little yellow rat before.
ZAPDOS: Oh, that's easy. He MEANS Pikachu - and I guess he was in such a hurry to get this posted he forgot to mention all the characters at the start.
"Where are you Little Yellow Rat?" Ass yelled.
LUGIA: We're barely past the first paragraph and I'm already itching to Aeroblast this!
ARTICUNO: To say nothing of the fact I could use some target practice with my Ice Beam.
Suddenly the bushes to Ass's left shook. Ass slowly walked over to the bush and pulled it back.
MOLTRES: What's he playing at here? It starts with bushes plural and, in the VERY next sentence, "Ass" walks to a BUSH and pulls IT back!
ARTICUNO: Yeah, Snowboarder - make up your freaking mind whether it's one bush or several BUSHES!
There he found the twitching remains of his Little Yellow Rat.
MOLTRES: Again, my dear "sir", the correct name for the "Little Yellow Rat" is Pikachu.
ZAPDOS: This guy must be even dumber than Mr Bigelsworth.
LUGIA: Yeah - at least Bigelsworth came up with a name for his parody Pikachu.
"NOOOOOO"
MOLTRES {shakes her head}: Now I don't think we need all those O's, do we? Next time, try taking your finger off the key a bit quicker.
Ass yelled.
ARTICUNO: I think Snowboarder'll be the one yelling when I give him a good Icebeaming!
ZAPDOS: Right after I've shown him my Thunderbolt! {Lightning crackles round his body as he throws his head back}
LUGIA {dodges out of the way}: Hey - watch it, Zapdos. We're not as good at withstanding Electric Attacks as you.
"Who would do this?"
ARTICUNO: Is a question I've been longing to ask since we started reading this.
Ass didn't see the dark figure slip back into the trees.
LUGIA: Er, wasn't it the other Guy who was supposed to be blind? Or did you just mean "Ass" wasn't looking in the right direction?
ARTICUNO {sighs}: I know - such glaring lapses in logic are all too common in the murky realm of antifics.
ZAPDOS: Not to mention plotlines and sentence structure a six-year-old could throw together in five seconds flat.
Ass, the Retarded Girl With Red Hair, and the Blind Guy quickly got over the death of the Yellow Rat
ARTICUNO: A little TOO quickly if you ask me . . .
MOLTRES: I mean, you think they'd give the "Yellow Rat" some kind of funeral.
LUGIA: Unless, of course, Snowboarder thought it'd ruin his street cred to have such "sentimental slop" in his "masterpiece" - and I use the last term loosely.
and continued their journey to AssCrackville.
ARTICUNO: Another thing originally dreamed up by the "brilliant" mind of Mr Bigelsworth!
MOLTRES: Yo! Snowboarder! You wouldn't happen to BE Mr Bigelsworth writing under an assumed name, would you?
When they got to the city they decided to go to the park and
ZAPDOS: Have an open-air sex orgy!
ARTICUNO: So, when they got to the park, they took off all their clothes and "Ass" and "the Blind Guy" took it in turns to fuck "the Retarded Girl With Red Hair"
LUGIA {checks the rest of the sentence}: Actually, you two, no-one had sex with anyone.
steal another Yellow Rat from someone.
ZAPDOS: I stand corrected . . .
MOLTRES: Although I hardly think these are the type of kids who go round stealing "Yellow Rats".
They where walking through the park down a path
ARTICUNO: Um, unless I'm mistaken, that SHOULD read "They WERE walking through the park down a path".
LUGIA: To say nothing of the fact he's made it sound as if the park was located down a path. {he sighs loudly} Will SOMEONE teach this guy a bit of logic?!
when all of a sudden the Blind Guy suddenly clutched his chest and fell.
MOLTRES: Why? Was he having a heart attack or something? Oh, and that "suddenly" seems a bit redundant.
ARTICUNO: And you'd THINK "Ass" and "the Retarded Girl With Red Hair" would at least TRY to save their friend.
ZAPDOS: Yeah, Snowboarder - ever hear of a little thing called "first aid"? Or are you too busy writing antifics to bother?
A lone shot echoed through the park.
MOLTRES {A la South Park}: Oh my God! They killed "the Blind Guy"!
ZAPDOS: You bastards! {He lets off a powerful Thunder Attack which the others barely dodge}
LUGIA: Hang on a moment - shouldn't the "lone shot" have come BEFORE "the Blind Guy" fell? Sheesh - learn some fucking logic!
ARTICUNO: Lugia regrets having to sink to this microbe's level. However, bad language is all the average antific writer can understand.
Ass and the Retarded Girl With Red Hair turned and ran.
ZAPDOS: Into the bushes, where they had the hottest sex they'd ever had!
LUGIA: Again, you are wrong on that count. Check the next paragraph . . .
When they reached the Town Square, they stopped running. Ass noticed that they were the only people around.
MOLTRES: Ah, one of the rarest gems of all - two coherent sentences in the same paragraph of an antific {she rolls her eyes}. Next, Snowboarder, try working on adding a bit of detail.
LUGIA: You might want to invest in a vocabulary builder or something - just so your sentence structure isn't so lame in future.
Suddenly at the other end of the street a figure in a trench coat stepped out from an alley.
ARTICUNO: I bet it was Mr Bigelsworth come to find out who the jerk using HIS characters without permission was.
"Run there is a crazy guy at the park!"Ass screamed.
MOLTRES {prepares to launch her Flamethrower}: If Snowboarder doesn't end this rubbish soon, I'll make HIM scream!
ZAPDOS: And shouldn't there be a comma between "run" and "there". Or were you in too much of a hurry again?
LUGIA: Leave it to an idiot like this to sleep through his English lessons.
"Don't move" the stranger said, pulling a revolver out of his trench coat pocket.
ZAPDOS: Eh? Why didn't the "stranger" pull his dick out and rape "the Retarded Girl With Red Hair"?
ARTICUNO: Although I suspect someone with a mind warped enough to write antifics would be more like to have him stick it up "Ass's" rear.
Ass and the Retarded Girl With Red Hair froze.
{Zapdos, Moltres and Lugia turn to look at Articuno}
ARTICUNO: Don't look at me - I didn't freeze anyone.
The stranger razed his gun and fired 5 shots with amazing speed.
MOLTRES: Another coherent sentence - there's just two things wrong with it . . .
ARTICUNO: What things, Moltres? It looks all right to me.
MOLTRES: Our barely literate "friend" has misspelled "raised" - and it seems he's too lazy to type numbers out in full {she points to where Snowboarder has typed 5}
Ass's red and white ball things on his belt exploded.
MOLTRES: Ahem! The CORRECT term for those "red and white ball things" is "Poke Balls".
LUGIA: Not to mention that, if they were on "Ass's" belt, "Ass" would be in danger of getting hit by a stray bullet.
MOLTRES {raises her wing into the equivelent of a wagging finger}: Once again, Snowboarder, it's called logic. Learn to use it.
The stranger fired again and the Retarded Girl With Red Hair's head exploded in a red mist.
MOLTRES: Ew! She got shot!
ARTICUNO {sighs}: Once again, Snowboarder's powers of reasoning amaze me - you'd expect her to at least TRY to escape.
ZAPDOS: Unless our dear "friend" thought she'd be too "retarded" to think of doing so . . .
"Who are you" Ass asked.
MOLTRES: A Legendary Bird who's getting mighty pissed off at this lame excuse for writing!
ZAPDOS: Plus, he SHOULD have put a question mark in where "Ass" asks "Who are you?".
The stranger didn't answer, but instead pulled
ZAPDOS: His dick out so he could fuck "the Retarded Girl With Red Hair's" dead body!
LUGIA: Wrong again, Zapdos - there's no necrophilia in this.
a machine gun from the inside of his trench coat.
MOLTRES: Now hold it right there, buster! I thought the "stranger" already had a gun - why the hell would he need another?!
ARTICUNO: Besides which how would he have fitted a MACHINE gun under his coat? Machine guns, as a rule, are MASSIVE - and "Ass" would have been able to see it bulging out.
LUGIA: Yeah, Snowboarder - try learning a bit about artillery before you send someone on another killing spree.
He razed the gun and grinned. He pulled the trigger.
ARTICUNO: Once again, Snowboarder spells "raised" wrong and uses the type of sentence structure a little kid would steer clear of.
MOLTRES: Hey - maybe he IS a little kid.
ZAPDOS: And what makes you say that, Moltres?
MOLTRES: For one thing, he sure ACTS like it . . . {she rolls her eyes}
Ass's body shook many times before it hit the ground.
LUGIA: Why? Did he decide to take up disco dancing in his last moments?
MOLTRES: I think I'D rather die than endure being a character in an antific for this long.
ZAPDOS: Then again, if you stick around long enough, the author'll probably kill you off anyway.
The stranger threw the gun down.
LUGIA: Pardon me, but aren't machine guns usually a little too heavy to just throw down?
ZAPDOS: Looks to me like old Snowboarder could do with a return to school to restart his education - from scratch!
MOLTRES: Yeah - I took one look at this and gave it an F!
He smirked to himself and continued on the world of Digimon.
ZAPDOS: And what the hell is a "Digimon" when it's at home?
LUGIA: I think it's some kind of digital life form.
MOLTRES: You mean, like Porygon and Porygon2?
LUGIA: Sort of - only there's supposed to be a lot more than two. And another thing, Snowboarder - you SHOULD have said "on TO the world of Digimon"
MOLTRES {sarcastically}: Such wit! Such imagination! More! More!
When the stranger got a few miles from the town he
ZAPDOS: Unzipped his flies and took a leak by the roadside!
{For once, Lugia does not even bother to correct him}
pushed a small button on the inside of his trench coat.
ARTICUNO: Wow! This "stranger's" got a pretty good coat!
LUGIA: First machine guns, now what I assume is a detonator for some kind of bomb. {He rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time since starting the MST} Really, Snowboarder, can't you go TWO FREAKIN' SECONDS without killing anyone?!
He didn't even bother to watch the town be obliterated in a fiery explosion.
ZAPDOS: If it was the type of bomb I think it was, you wouldn't WANT to watch it explode unless you wanted to go blind.
ARTICUNO: And didn't Mr Bigelsworth - or was it Hippoazz? - end one of his stories by having everything blown up with a nuclear bomb?
MOLTRES: That's IT! I refuse to MST this dumbass tripe any further! You could at least make an effort to be original instead of copying what other antific writers have done!
ARTICUNO: I think you'll have a job to find a GOOD antific - they're all written by jerks with brains the size of microbes.
He continued on the world of Digimon.
LUGIA: Where I assume he did exactly the same things he did to the world of Pokemon . . . blah-blah-blah, the end!
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