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This is a MSTing of a "fic" called ::eVeRyoNe DieS:: by that bozo who calls himself PyRoPHiLe. The last thing fanfiction.net needs is a Mr Bigelsworth wannabe (the original's bad enough) and that's why I'm doing this.
Just for a change, I'm using human characters here. To be more specific, I'm using the first four Johto Gym Leaders - Falkner, Bugsy, Whitney and Morty.
::eVeRyoNe DieS!::
WHITNEY: Don't tell me . . . let me guess . . . that idiot Bigelsworth is up to his old tricks, right?
BUGSY: Actually, this is another author's work - Bigelsworth hasn't dared show his face since all those MSTings a while back.
MORTY {sighs}: Just when you thought it was safe to go back on fanfiction.net, another dumbass antific writer comes along! {rolls his eyes}
FALKNER: Really creative title - not!
MORTY: And was he trying to be clever with the Shift key? Cos, if he was, he failed - miserably!
by PyRoPHiLe
WHITNEY: Mr Bigelsworth's live-in lover!
MORTY: Yeah - from what I've heard, those two have a lot in common.
FALKNER: Like a total lack of a life!
WHITNEY: Not to mention the writing skills and wit of a couple of pre-adolescent boys . . . mind you, that's probably what they are.
fire_pillar@hotmail.com
WHITNEY {sarcastically}: Oh, how clever! Telling people your email address so they know where to flame you!
http://gratuitous.8m.com
BUGSY: I suppose that's his website - no prizes for guessing the content!
FALKNER: Hey, PyRoPHiLe! Here's a website you might like - www.URNasshole.com!
MORTY: How about www.burninhell.com?
WHITNEY: OK, you guys - let's cut the crap about non-existent websites and get on with MSTing this
---
Ash, Misty, and Brock were walking along happily on the road to Vermillion City.
BUGSY {slow handclaps}: Bravo! For once an antific writer who actually calls the characters Ash, Brock and Misty!
WHITNEY: Yeah, unlike someone I could mention who called Misty "the Retarded Girl With Red Hair" . . . If he'd been talking about ME, I'd have set Miltank on him!
MORTY: And what's all this "walking along happily" crap? I'd have thought the last thing an antific writer would want is to have anything REMOTELY cheerful in his work.
FALKNER: You can't apply our rules of logic to antific writers, Morty - their brains work differently.
WHITNEY: When they work at all!
Birds were singing, and animals frolicked in the forest.
BUGSY: I don't know what's worse about these so-called "stories" - the lack of plot or the constant cliches.
FALKNER: Plus, I don't think that comma was strictly necessary, PyRoPHiLe. Looks like you need to revise your punctuation rules . . .
Suddenly,
MORTY: Mr Bigelsworth and PyRoPHiLe turned up and mowed them all down in a hail of bullets!
FALKNER: And then, the two antific-writing losers began to ass-fuck all night long!
WHITNEY: Why do men have be so immature?! {She rolls her eyes}
FALKNER: Sorry- just taking the piss out of this moron's no-brainer writing style . . .
Misty turned and punched Ash in the face, knocking him over and breaking his nose.
BUGSY: That was TOTALLY uncalled for!
MORTY: Much like this whole fic.
FALKNER: Go for it, PyRoPHiLe - nothing like a bit of senseless violence to brighten up an otherwise dull day!
Brock kicked Ash in the gut.
WHITNEY: Now, you tell me one thing, PyRoPHiLe! Why in the name of hell would Brock and Misty turn on Ash like that?!
BUGSY: I doubt we'd get a straight answer from this guy if we paid him $10,000!
FALKNER: Yeah - his kind wouldn't know a straight answer if it walked up and introduced itself!
Ash made a sound that sounded like "hurg" and vomited up his liver.
FALKNER: Is it even possible to vomit up your own liver?
BUGSY: Nope! Looks like old PyRoPHiLe needs to learn a bit about human anatomy on top of improving his writing skills!
WHITNEY: Naughty, naughty - sleeping through your biology lessons. Mind you, you probably don't know much about any parts of the body that aren't located between the legs . . .
A tree fell over on Ash,
WHITNEY: Here we go again!
MORTY: I was wondering how long it would be before he shoved some Random Pointless Incident in.
FALKNER: This whole fic looks like a Random Pointless Incident to me.
and a sickining "CRUNCH" was heard.
WHITNEY: Aha! I was expecting a spelling mistake to rear its ugly head before long! {points to where PyRoPHiLe has typed "sickining"}
MORTY: PyRoPHiLe, if your computer works properly, it should have a device called a Spellchecker - kindly learn to use it!
BUGSY: Assuming it doesn't tax your pea-sized brain, that is!
Ash died.
WHITNEY {singing}: Da-da-da-dum-da-da-da-da-da-dum . . .
FALKNER: I might have guessed someone was going to get killed off before long.
MORTY: I think the title kind of gave that away . . .
A buzzard landed and began picking at Ash's corpse.
WHITNEY: Falkner, you're the expert on bird-Pokemon. You ever seen a buzzard in our world?
FALKNER: Not that I can recall . . . {he pauses} Hmm - that's another mark deducted.
BUGSY: Which gives it a score of . . . how much?
FALKNER: Three - and it looks like it could go negative before long . . .
Ash's friends continued on their way as if nothing had happened.
WHITNEY: A likely scenario . . .
BUGSY: I mean, you'd think they'd be a little more concerned than that - after all their friend had just been killed.
FALKNER: Quick tip, PyRoPHiLe - if you want to write stories, take your inspiration from someone other than Mr Bigheadsworth . . . I mean, Bigelsworth.
For no apparent reason, Brock
MORTY: Pushed Misty to the ground and raped her!
{Whitney clears her throat loudly}
spontaneously exploded, showering blood, internal organs, and bone fragments all over Misty and Pikachu.
FALKNER: Can't this guy go THREE SECONDS without killing someone off?!
WHITNEY: And do these antific writers have to be so gross all the time?
BUGSY: Yeah, PyRoPHiLe - if you gonna kill people off, at least do it REALISTICALLY!
WHITNEY: Not that he's likely to know what realism is . . .
They kept going until they reached Vermillion City.
FALKNER: Hang on a moment . . . didn't they clean themselves up first? I thought they just got "showered with blood, internal organs and bone fragments".
MORTY: His sort don't know what the word "continuity" means.
WHITNEY: At least Vermilion City is an ACTUAL place in our world - unlike all that crap about AssCrackville and Bitch Town Bigelsworth used to spout!
BUGSY: Talking of Vermilion City, it should have a SINGLE L . . .
Misty and Pikachu were walking along the streets of Vermillion City when they saw
FALKNER: A billboard advertising Mr Bigelsworth and PyRoPHiLe in a nude floorshow!
MORTY: With a flier for Hippoazz's escort agency underneath!
Todd. Todd ran over to greet them.
MORTY: For an antific writer, this guy knows a hell of a lot about Pokemon.
WHITNEY: Yeah - only someone who'd seen several episodes would know about a minor character . . .
FALKNER: Wonder what Bigelsworth would've called Todd . . .
BUGSY: The Lame Boy Who Had A Camera!
WHITNEY: And wouldn't Todd have wanted to know where Ash and Brock were? Or was the bozo who wrote this in such a hurry he "forgot" to mention it?
BUGSY: Given what we know about his sort, I'd have to say it was the latter.
All of a sudden,
FALKNER: Todd and Misty got horny and decided to have a "quickie"!
Misty grabbed an amber-glass beer bottle out of a nearby Dumpster and bashed Todd over the head with it.
WHITNEY: I just wish I could bash this PyRoPHiLe dork over the head - and it wouldn't be with a discarded beer bottle.
FALKNER: For one thing, it might knock some sense into him . . .
BUGSY: Which would leak straight back out again because his sort have brains like sieves!
Todd screamed and fell.
WHITNEY: Fell? Fell?! My dear PyRoPHiLe, ever thought about using some other word such as "collapsed" or "keeled over"?
BUGSY: That's another thing that pisses me off about these guys - their inability to use anything above second grade vocabulary!
FALKNER: Since they tend to act like second-graders anyway, that's hardly surprising!
MORTY: Not that there's anything wrong with second-graders of course . . .
Pikachu bit down on Todd's leg and held on.
FALKNER: Eh? Are you sure he didn't bite Todd's you-know-what?
WHITNEY: Talking of which, I wonder how big PyRoPHiLe's you-know-what is . . .
BUGSY: Pretty small if he's got to write these loads of tosh. I place ten bucks that he's only doing this to compensate for his inadequacy!
Misty kept beating Todd over the head furiously with the beer bottle until it broke.
WHITNEY: What broke? The beer bottle or Todd's head?
BUGSY: Looks like PyRoPHiLe was in a hurry again and didn't notice he'd fallen into yet another writing trap.
MORTY: Which trap would that be? We've already had {checks a list} poor sentence structure, a spelling mistake, lack of anything REMOTELY like a plot . . .
BUGSY: Ambiguity. Mind you, PyRoPHiLe, you're probably so dense you don't know what that means . . .
She then picked up a shard of the glass
FALKNER: I see now! The BOTTLE broke!
MORTY: And why the hell didn't Misty use a cloth if she was handling broken glass?
BUGSY: Because people like PyRoPHiLe don't think about little details like that.
WHITNEY: All they seem to care about is seeing how many gory and pointless deaths they can cram into one fic - and fuck the minor details!
and slashed Todd's throat. Blood squirted out and Todd made a gurgling sound, then died.
BUGSY: I never thought I'd read a fic by an author less worthy of the name than Mr Bigelsworth.
FALKNER: At least Bigelsworth's fics occasionally contained something other than gory deaths . . .
WHITNEY: You mean like Misty getting pregnant? {rolls her eyes}
MORTY: Talking of Misty, what the hell has gotten into her here?
WHITNEY: Yeah - PyRoPHiLe seems to be turning her into some homicidal maniac.
BUGSY: Which is totally out of character . . .
Misty and Pikachu kept walking.
FALKNER: Until PyRoPHiLe and Mr Bigelsworth jumped on them and gang-raped Misty!
MORTY: And then one of them grabbed Pikachu and flung him hard against a tree!
FALKNER: Then the other shot Misty in the head!
WHITNEY: Enough already! It's bad enough we've got this jerk's woeful writing skills to put up with . . .
They kept walking until they got to Pallet Town.
BUGSY: Hey! I've just realised something - PyRoPHiLe hasn't mentioned any Pokemon except Pikachu.
FALKNER: Probably cos he couldn't be bothered to learn the names of the remaining 250!
WHITNEY: Falkner, even little kids know at least SOME Pokemon except Pika . . . oh, that's right. I forgot who we were dealing with for a moment there.
Without warning,
BUGSY: Does EVERYTHING in your so-called fics have to happen "suddenly" or "without warning", PyRoPHiLe?
WHITNEY: He's so lame he can't work out any other way of linking stuff together.
Misty kicked Pikachu in the back of the neck, breaking his neck and paralyzing him.
FALKNER: Great! Yet more pointless violence . . .
BUGSY: The only thing these lowlifes understand . . .
MORTY: So maybe six - no, make that sixty - of the best is what old PyRoPHiLe needs!
FALKNER: Like THAT would stop him . . .
Misty ground her foot into his face, oblivious to the rivulets of blood staining her shoes.
WHITNEY: UGH! PyRoPHiLe, what have you got against Misty? Did she spurn your no-brainer attempts to get her into bed?
FALKNER: For that matter, what has he got against Pokemon and their trainers period?
She picked his almost-dead body up and threw him into the bushes to die.
BUGSY: Surprise, surprise . . .
WHITNEY: And, from the sound of it, shouldn't Pikachu have ALREADY BEEN DEAD?!
MORTY: Well, according to PyRoPHiLe, it's official - Misty is a serial killer.
FALKNER: Talking of which, I'm starting to wish PyRoPHiLe could be . . . disposed of.
She strode into Professor Oak's lab and
MORTY: Got the Professor to fuck her on top of his desk!
WHITNEY: Enough with the Bigelsworth impressions!
kicked Professor Oak in the groin. He doubled over and groaned in pain.
FALKNER: WHY couldn't she have kicked PyRoPHiLe in the groin?!
BUGSY: PyRoPHiLe deserves worse than that.
MORTY: Like having to fight my Gengar with his bare hands!
BUGSY: He's so dumb, that's probably exactly what he'd try!
She then picked up his computer and chucked it at his head.
WHITNEY: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's . . . Supermisty!
MORTY: Yeah - she'd need to be pretty strong just to lift a computer, much less chuck it at someone's head.
BUGSY: Again, PyRoPHiLe, it's called "realism" . . .
He was knocked out, and began bleeding profusely.
FALKNER: Don't these guys have anything better to do than write about the most POINTLESS deaths they can come up with?!
BUGSY: Looks like Bigelsworth and PyRoPHiLe might be members of some strange new species - homo antificus!
WHITNEY: Yeah - like any normal human being would waste time writing these loads of junk!
She picked him up (with difficulty)
WHITNEY: PyRoPHiLe, will you make up your fucking mind?! Does Misty have super-strength or not?!
BUGSY: Not! PyRoPHiLe just wanted to write the most inconsistent load of tripe he could think of!
and threw him in the garbage can, where he bled to death.
MORTY: Excuse me! But isn't an adult human like Professor Oak a little BIG to fit into a garbage can?
FALKNER: If she'd thrown him into a Dumpster, I might have believed it . . . {shakes his head}
WHITNEY: And you'd THINK someone would've found all those dead bodies by now - not that I expect dorks like this to think about such trivial matters . . .
Then, having nothing better to do, she
FALKNER: Put her hand down her shorts and began to masturbate!
WHITNEY {warningly}: Falkner . . .
jumped in the sea to the South of Pallet Town and drowned.
BUGSY: PyRoPHiLe, you cretin! If you knew ANYTHING about Misty, you'd know that she CAN swim!
WHITNEY: And you would have thought drowning was a bit . . . clean for his tastes.
MORTY: Based on what happened to all the other characters, I was expecting her to put a gun to her own head or something - still, you can't have everything.
And Pyrophile, seeing all, laughed evilly.
FALKNER: Which is exactly what he was doing when four pissed off Gym Leaders came across him and decided to use him as target practice for their Pokemon's Attacks!
WHITNEY: I'll go first. Miltank - knock some sense into PyRoPHiLe with your Rollout Attack!
---
W00T N00B GG $$ !!
BUGSY: What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?
FALKNER: I think it's something in PyRoPHiLe's native tongue - and I'm NOT gonna try to translate it!
By PyRoPHiLe, c/o Pokemon Must Die! a division of Gratuitous Incorporated. All rights Reserved.
WHITNEY: With additional comments by Falkner, Bugsy, Whitney and Morty, c/o the Johto League Gyms in Violet, Azalea, Goldenrod and Ecruteak!
FALKNER: Is that it? That's a good job - I don't think I could have taken much more!
BUGSY: Now that we've MSTed it, what shall we do with it?
WHITNEY: Here, Falkner - you can have this as birdcage lining!
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