This is a MSTing of a "fic" called ::eVeRyoNe DieS:: by that bozo who calls himself PyRoPHiLe. The last thing fanfiction.net needs is a Mr Bigelsworth wannabe (the original's bad enough) and that's why I'm doing this.

Just for a change, I'm using human characters here. To be more specific, I'm using the first four Johto Gym Leaders - Falkner, Bugsy, Whitney and Morty.

::eVeRyoNe DieS!::

WHITNEY: Don't tell me . . . let me guess . . . that idiot Bigelsworth is up to his old tricks, right?

MORTY {sighs}: Just when you thought it was safe to go back on fanfiction.net, another dumbass antific writer comes along! {rolls his eyes}

FALKNER: Really creative title - not!

MORTY: And was he trying to be clever with the Shift key? Cos, if he was, he failed - miserably!

by PyRoPHiLe

WHITNEY: Mr Bigelsworth's live-in lover!

WHITNEY: Not to mention the writing skills and wit of a couple of pre-adolescent boys . . . mind you, that's probably what they are.

fire_pillar@hotmail.com

WHITNEY {sarcastically}: Oh, how clever! Telling people your email address so they know where to flame you!

http://gratuitous.8m.com

BUGSY: I suppose that's his website - no prizes for guessing the content!

WHITNEY: OK, you guys - let's cut the crap about non-existent websites and get on with MSTing this

---
Ash, Misty, and Brock were walking along happily on the road to Vermillion City.

BUGSY {slow handclaps}: Bravo! For once an antific writer who actually calls the characters Ash, Brock and Misty!

WHITNEY: When they work at all!

Birds were singing, and animals frolicked in the forest.

BUGSY: I don't know what's worse about these so-called "stories" - the lack of plot or the constant cliches.

FALKNER: Plus, I don't think that comma was strictly necessary, PyRoPHiLe. Looks like you need to revise your punctuation rules . . .

Suddenly,

MORTY: Mr Bigelsworth and PyRoPHiLe turned up and mowed them all down in a hail of bullets!

WHITNEY: Why do men have be so immature?! {She rolls her eyes}

FALKNER: Sorry- just taking the piss out of this moron's no-brainer writing style . . .

Misty turned and punched Ash in the face, knocking him over and breaking his nose.

BUGSY: That was TOTALLY uncalled for!

FALKNER: Go for it, PyRoPHiLe - nothing like a bit of senseless violence to brighten up an otherwise dull day!

Brock kicked Ash in the gut.

WHITNEY: Now, you tell me one thing, PyRoPHiLe! Why in the name of hell would Brock and Misty turn on Ash like that?!

FALKNER: Yeah - his kind wouldn't know a straight answer if it walked up and introduced itself!

Ash made a sound that sounded like "hurg" and vomited up his liver.

FALKNER: Is it even possible to vomit up your own liver?

WHITNEY: Naughty, naughty - sleeping through your biology lessons. Mind you, you probably don't know much about any parts of the body that aren't located between the legs . . .

A tree fell over on Ash,

WHITNEY: Here we go again!

FALKNER: This whole fic looks like a Random Pointless Incident to me.

and a sickining "CRUNCH" was heard.

WHITNEY: Aha! I was expecting a spelling mistake to rear its ugly head before long! {points to where PyRoPHiLe has typed "sickining"}

MORTY: PyRoPHiLe, if your computer works properly, it should have a device called a Spellchecker - kindly learn to use it!

BUGSY: Assuming it doesn't tax your pea-sized brain, that is!

Ash died.

WHITNEY {singing}: Da-da-da-dum-da-da-da-da-da-dum . . .

MORTY: I think the title kind of gave that away . . .

A buzzard landed and began picking at Ash's corpse.

WHITNEY: Falkner, you're the expert on bird-Pokemon. You ever seen a buzzard in our world?

FALKNER: Not that I can recall . . . {he pauses} Hmm - that's another mark deducted.

FALKNER: Three - and it looks like it could go negative before long . . .

Ash's friends continued on their way as if nothing had happened.

WHITNEY: A likely scenario . . .

FALKNER: Quick tip, PyRoPHiLe - if you want to write stories, take your inspiration from someone other than Mr Bigheadsworth . . . I mean, Bigelsworth.

For no apparent reason, Brock

MORTY: Pushed Misty to the ground and raped her!

{Whitney clears her throat loudly}

spontaneously exploded, showering blood, internal organs, and bone fragments all over Misty and Pikachu.

FALKNER: Can't this guy go THREE SECONDS without killing someone off?!

WHITNEY: Not that he's likely to know what realism is . . .

They kept going until they reached Vermillion City.

FALKNER: Hang on a moment . . . didn't they clean themselves up first? I thought they just got "showered with blood, internal organs and bone fragments".

BUGSY: Talking of Vermilion City, it should have a SINGLE L . . .

Misty and Pikachu were walking along the streets of Vermillion City when they saw

FALKNER: A billboard advertising Mr Bigelsworth and PyRoPHiLe in a nude floorshow!

MORTY: With a flier for Hippoazz's escort agency underneath!

Todd. Todd ran over to greet them.

MORTY: For an antific writer, this guy knows a hell of a lot about Pokemon.

BUGSY: Given what we know about his sort, I'd have to say it was the latter.

All of a sudden,

FALKNER: Todd and Misty got horny and decided to have a "quickie"!

Misty grabbed an amber-glass beer bottle out of a nearby Dumpster and bashed Todd over the head with it.

WHITNEY: I just wish I could bash this PyRoPHiLe dork over the head - and it wouldn't be with a discarded beer bottle.

BUGSY: Which would leak straight back out again because his sort have brains like sieves!

Todd screamed and fell.

WHITNEY: Fell? Fell?! My dear PyRoPHiLe, ever thought about using some other word such as "collapsed" or "keeled over"?

MORTY: Not that there's anything wrong with second-graders of course . . .

Pikachu bit down on Todd's leg and held on.

FALKNER: Eh? Are you sure he didn't bite Todd's you-know-what?

BUGSY: Pretty small if he's got to write these loads of tosh. I place ten bucks that he's only doing this to compensate for his inadequacy!

Misty kept beating Todd over the head furiously with the beer bottle until it broke.

WHITNEY: What broke? The beer bottle or Todd's head?

MORTY: Which trap would that be? We've already had {checks a list} poor sentence structure, a spelling mistake, lack of anything REMOTELY like a plot . . .

BUGSY: Ambiguity. Mind you, PyRoPHiLe, you're probably so dense you don't know what that means . . .

She then picked up a shard of the glass

FALKNER: I see now! The BOTTLE broke!

WHITNEY: All they seem to care about is seeing how many gory and pointless deaths they can cram into one fic - and fuck the minor details!

and slashed Todd's throat. Blood squirted out and Todd made a gurgling sound, then died.

BUGSY: I never thought I'd read a fic by an author less worthy of the name than Mr Bigelsworth.

WHITNEY: You mean like Misty getting pregnant? {rolls her eyes}

MORTY: Talking of Misty, what the hell has gotten into her here?

BUGSY: Which is totally out of character . . .

Misty and Pikachu kept walking.

FALKNER: Until PyRoPHiLe and Mr Bigelsworth jumped on them and gang-raped Misty!

WHITNEY: Enough already! It's bad enough we've got this jerk's woeful writing skills to put up with . . .

They kept walking until they got to Pallet Town.

BUGSY: Hey! I've just realised something - PyRoPHiLe hasn't mentioned any Pokemon except Pikachu.

WHITNEY: Falkner, even little kids know at least SOME Pokemon except Pika . . . oh, that's right. I forgot who we were dealing with for a moment there.

Without warning,

BUGSY: Does EVERYTHING in your so-called fics have to happen "suddenly" or "without warning", PyRoPHiLe?

WHITNEY: He's so lame he can't work out any other way of linking stuff together.

Misty kicked Pikachu in the back of the neck, breaking his neck and paralyzing him.

FALKNER: Great! Yet more pointless violence . . .

FALKNER: Like THAT would stop him . . .

Misty ground her foot into his face, oblivious to the rivulets of blood staining her shoes.

WHITNEY: UGH! PyRoPHiLe, what have you got against Misty? Did she spurn your no-brainer attempts to get her into bed?

FALKNER: For that matter, what has he got against Pokemon and their trainers period?

She picked his almost-dead body up and threw him into the bushes to die.

BUGSY: Surprise, surprise . . .

FALKNER: Talking of which, I'm starting to wish PyRoPHiLe could be . . . disposed of.

She strode into Professor Oak's lab and

MORTY: Got the Professor to fuck her on top of his desk!

WHITNEY: Enough with the Bigelsworth impressions!

kicked Professor Oak in the groin. He doubled over and groaned in pain.

FALKNER: WHY couldn't she have kicked PyRoPHiLe in the groin?!

BUGSY: He's so dumb, that's probably exactly what he'd try!

She then picked up his computer and chucked it at his head.

WHITNEY: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's . . . Supermisty!

BUGSY: Again, PyRoPHiLe, it's called "realism" . . .

He was knocked out, and began bleeding profusely.

FALKNER: Don't these guys have anything better to do than write about the most POINTLESS deaths they can come up with?!

WHITNEY: Yeah - like any normal human being would waste time writing these loads of junk!

She picked him up (with difficulty)

WHITNEY: PyRoPHiLe, will you make up your fucking mind?! Does Misty have super-strength or not?!

BUGSY: Not! PyRoPHiLe just wanted to write the most inconsistent load of tripe he could think of!

and threw him in the garbage can, where he bled to death.

MORTY: Excuse me! But isn't an adult human like Professor Oak a little BIG to fit into a garbage can?

FALKNER: If she'd thrown him into a Dumpster, I might have believed it . . . {shakes his head}

WHITNEY: And you'd THINK someone would've found all those dead bodies by now - not that I expect dorks like this to think about such trivial matters . . .

Then, having nothing better to do, she

FALKNER: Put her hand down her shorts and began to masturbate!

WHITNEY {warningly}: Falkner . . .

jumped in the sea to the South of Pallet Town and drowned.

BUGSY: PyRoPHiLe, you cretin! If you knew ANYTHING about Misty, you'd know that she CAN swim!

MORTY: Based on what happened to all the other characters, I was expecting her to put a gun to her own head or something - still, you can't have everything.

And Pyrophile, seeing all, laughed evilly.

FALKNER: Which is exactly what he was doing when four pissed off Gym Leaders came across him and decided to use him as target practice for their Pokemon's Attacks!

WHITNEY: I'll go first. Miltank - knock some sense into PyRoPHiLe with your Rollout Attack!

---

W00T N00B GG $$ !!

BUGSY: What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?

FALKNER: I think it's something in PyRoPHiLe's native tongue - and I'm NOT gonna try to translate it!

By PyRoPHiLe, c/o Pokemon Must Die! a division of Gratuitous Incorporated. All rights Reserved.

WHITNEY: With additional comments by Falkner, Bugsy, Whitney and Morty, c/o the Johto League Gyms in Violet, Azalea, Goldenrod and Ecruteak!

WHITNEY: Here, Falkner - you can have this as birdcage lining!

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