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OK, I've been itching to do another MSTing for a while now, so I thought I'd try this "classic" by our old "friend" Mr Bigelsworth out for size. Yes, I know someone else MSTed it already, but anyone who thinks he's got a God-given right to pick on Pokemon fans needs putting firmly in his place. Note: it's not the fact he hates Pokemon that I object to, just the fact he doesn't seem to think anyone else has a right to like it either.
Once again, I'm using a group of Pokemon to do the MSTing - to be precise, I'm using a Vaporeon, a Jolteon, a Flareon, an Espeon and an Umbreon. They're all females, which is why I've called this The MSTing Eevee Sisters
Well, anyway, they're all looking at various Pokemon fanfics when . . .
ESPEON {spots Mr Bigelsworth's fic} : Well now - what have we got here?
JOLTEON: Whatever it is, I've got a feeling I ain't gonna like it!
FLAREON: Budge up, you two! Let the rest of us get a look in!
An Other Anti-Pokemon Story
UMBREON: Let me guess . . . this is one of those "stories" where all the characters die unbelievable deaths, right?
{The others nod their heads in unison}
VAPOREON: Written by that brain-dead dork called Mr Bigelsworth, no doubt. {she rolls her eyes}
[by] Mr. Bigelsworth
VAPOREON: Thought so! Although it SHOULD be "another" NOT "an other"
JOLTEON: If I know this guy's previous track record, there'll be a few more spelling errors before the end.
Disclaimer: POKEMON SHOULD ALL DIE!!!!!
ESPEON: Sorry, Bigelsworth, but I'm not going to snuff it just because YOU think I should!
FLAREON {rolls her eyes}: Yeah - like any lawyer's gonna accept that as a valid disclaimer!
VAPOREON: Does he even know what a disclaimer is, though?
UMBREON: Probably not . . .
Warning: this is yet another anti-Pokemon story!
JOLTEON: Tell us something we DON'T know, Bigelsworth!
Ass Ketchup
FLAREON: Um, I don't know anyone called "Ass Ketchup" do you?
JOLTEON: Poor guy . . . whoever he is.
VAPOREON: I think he's MEANT to be Ash Ketchum. Only, a certain someone can't resist making lame puns . . .
was standing next to the retarded girl with red hair and the blind guy.
ESPEON: AKA Brock and Misty.
UMBREON: Looks like Bigelsworth couldn't think of any ways to turn their names into swear words, so he . . .
FLAREON: Gave them long-winded descriptive names.
UMBREON: Well, you've gotta admit Misty does act a bit retarded at times . . .
ESPEON: But we don't think she actually IS retarded.
VAPOREON: And it's pure conjecture - go look it up, Bigelsworth - that Brock is blind.
Hey was worried.
{The five Pokemon exchange puzzled looks}
JOLTEON: Can't he even spell a simple word like "he"? {she snorts in exasperation}
UMBREON: Besides, what the hell was hey . . . I mean he . . . worried about?
FLAREON: Maybe he realised Mr Bigelsworth was having another burst of {clears throat} "creativity"
"Where is Pickachu?"
ESPEON: Pickachu? What the fuck are you on about Bigelsworth?
{Umbreon grabs a pen between her teeth and laboriously crosses out the first C in "Pickachu"}
UMBREON: Try reading it now, Espeon.
ESPEON: Oh, I SEE! "Pickachu" was just Bigelsworth's attempt to write "Pikachu"
He asked.
JOLTEON {laughs out loud} : So, Bigelsworth CAN spell "he"
FLAREON: Which leads me to suspect his REAL problem is that he doesn't bother to proof-read his work before posting it.
ESPEON: Assuming he can read above First Grade level, that is.
"Don't panic he couldn't have gotten far
VAPOREON: Bigelsworth, will you FUCKING WELL LEARN HOW TO PUNCTUATE?!
UMBREON: Yes. You need a comma - or a dash - between "panic" and "he"
JOLTEON: That's IF he even knows what punctuation is.
,
UMBREON: And that comma should be a semi-colon - if not a full stop.
I mean how far can a Pokemon run in just the 4 hours that we were asleep?"
ESPEON: Quite a long way I should think.
VAPOREON: Unless it was a Snorlax, but that's beside the point. And another thing, Bigelsworth, are you too dumb or too goddamned lazy to write numbers out in full?
UMBREON: A little of both, I think. {she heaves a sigh and carries on reading}
The retarded girl with red hair said.
ESPEON: Um, Bigelsworth, if you MUST call her that, couldn't you abbreviate . . . shorten . . . well, couldn't you make it . . . less long?
"Well me and you were only asleep for 1 hour..." the blind guy said.
UMBREON: Because Mr Bigelsworth was having an all-night party and his heavy metal music was keeping them awake!
ESPEON: Don't forget all the making out!
JOLTEON: Ten bucks says making out WAS what kept Brock and Misty awake - only not in the way you meant.
The retarded girl hit the blind guy in the arm and whispered "shut up".
UMBREON {singing} : Brock and Misty sitting in a tree
F - U - C - K - I - N - G!
JOLTEON{clears her throat}: Heh - LO! It's bad enough we're getting crude language from this guy without you adding to it.
Ass suddenly saw a trickle of red underneath a bush. He walked over to the bush and pulled it up.
ESPEON: Either Ash is very strong or that bush wasn't very firmly rooted into the ground.
VAPOREON: And, if he was worried about his Pikachu, wouldn't he have RUN or DASHED over to the bush instead of just WALKING?
UMBREON: I think old Bigelsworth needs to build his vocabulary up a little.
ESPEON: To say nothing of taking a writing course - only he'd probably get chucked off on his first day . . .
FLAREON: Judging by this, you're probably right.
Underneath was a
JOLTEON: Billion-dollar drugs haul?
ESPEON: Pile of hard-core porno mags dating back ten years?
barely alive Pickachu.
JOLTEON {sarcastically}: Bravo! Mr Bigelsworth wrote the best anti-climax ever!
FLAREON: Give him a Golden Growlithe, someone!
"No Pickachu who did this to you?" Ass yelled.
FLAREON: I know what I'LL do to Mr Bigelsworth if I ever get him within Flamethrowering range!
ESPEON: Flamethrower's too good for him - he deserves one of my Psychic Attacks!
"Picka...." Was all the yellow rat said.
JOLTEON: Um, no comment on that. How about you guys?
{Espeon, Flareon, Vaporeon and Umbreon shake their heads in unison}
JOLTEON: Good. Moving swiftly on . . .
Ass and the other people ran all the way to the next city,
ESPEON: Cerulean?
FLAREON: Celadon?
JOLTEON: Viridian?
UMBREON: Goldenrod?
VAPOREON: Olivine?
Bitch Town.
JOLTEON: A name which I take it has nothing to do with female dog-Pokemon like Growlithe or Arcanine.
They ran to the hospital.
ESPEON: Um, isn't it usually the Pokemon Centre they go to if Pikachu's hurt?
VAPOREON: I think they DID go to a hospital once, but only because Pikachu was too hurt to make it to the Pokemon Centre.
The doctor
UMBREON: What? Where's Nurse Joy?
ESPEON: Not in the fic because a certain someone doesn't know the first thing about Pokemon.
fixed Pickachu and removed Pickachu's voice box just for the hell of it.
VAPOREON {looks scandalised}: Ooh! That doctor'll be up in front of the Medical Ethics Council doing things like that!
ESPEON: Besides, what did he want to remove Pikachu's voice box for?
FLAREON: Because Mr Bigelsworth likes bunging stuff together - and fuck whether it makes any sense or not!
He also neutered Pickachu.
ESPEON: Also for no apparent reason except to satisfy Bigelsworth's need to be as crude as possible.
Every one left the hospital.
VAPOREON: What?! Right away?! But Pikachu had just had TWO major operations!
UMBREON: How typical of Bigelsworth to skimp on important details like how much time passed between events.
They were walking through the woods again.
ESPEON: And, on the way, they saw Mr Bigelsworth having an orgy with all the female Gym Leaders!
"Hey I've noticed that you
VAPOREON: Look like a pretty hot chick - let's make love!
have been getting fatter every since
JOLTEON: Every since? Damn you, Bigelsworth, that should be "EVER SINCE"!
FLAREON: The question is, ever since WHEN?
you and the blind guy started sharing a sleeping bag." Ass said to the retarded girl.
ESPEON: Uh - oh . . . I smell an underage pregnancy here.
VAPOREON: Underage is right. Last time I checked, Misty was in her early teens - at the most.
UMBREON: Unless Bigelsworth was writing about them as adults but "forgot" to say so . . .
"I have not" the retarded girl said.
FLAREON {British panto style}: OH YES YOU HAVE!
Just then the retarded girl's water broke. She dropped to the forest floor and started giving birth.
ESPEON: Just as I thought! Incidentally, Bigelsworth, you seem rather fond of getting Misty pregnant . . .
UMBREON: If anyone's wondering, you can read about Misty's other alleged pregnancies in Bigelsworth's other works.
FLAREON: If you can stomach them, of course.
She pushed out a blind little girl. The blind little girl was put in an orphanage.
ESPEON: Eh? Why didn't Mr Bigelsworth just say they killed her at birth?
UMBREON: Because even he draws the line at infanticide. And how would they be able to tell if the baby was blind or not so soon after she was born?
VAPOREON {sighs}: Bigelsworth and his BLOODY PLOT-HOLES! If I had a dollar for every inconsistency in his so-called "stories" I'd be able to afford a diamond-studded collar.
They named her John.
ESPEON: Which is actually a BOY'S name, Bigelsworth. "They named her Joan - or Jane" would be much more accurate.
FLAREON: Besides, you don't say WHO "named her John". Was it her parents? The staff at the orphanage?
JOLTEON: The world may never know . . . {she sighs loudly} Let's just drop the subject, shall we?
They left Bitch Town for the second time.
FLAREON: From that statement, I take it the orphanage was in Bitch Town.
ESPEON: Although WHY they went back there is anyone's guess . . .
UMBREON: Because Bigelsworth just likes throwing stuff together and trying to pass it off as a story.
Ass decided he should share a sleeping bag with the blind guy so that no one would get pregnant.
VAPOREON: First sensible thing Bigelsworth's said all fic.
ESPEON: Although they could have just bought separate sleeping bags.
UMBREON: An idea which OBVIOUSLY never crossed Bigelsworth's tiny brain.
The next day Ass couldn't sit down.
FLAREON {heaves a long sigh}: Gee - I wonder why . . .
ESPEON: No prizes for guessing . . .
The group continued through the forest again.
VAPOREON: Doing what? Shouting Right Wing slogans? Having sex every five minutes?
JOLTEON: Hey, maybe they could hunt Bigelsworth down for us and . . . {she pauses to think of a suitable fate for our "favourite" antific writer}
ESPEON: Ship him off to the zoo - where he belongs!
UMBREON: Right after they've made a eunuch out of him, of course!
Since Pickachu couldn't talk they didn't hear it scream out in horror when
FLAREON: Bigelsworth stated the FUCKING OBVIOUS!
ESPEON: Exactly! Pikachu wouldn't really be able to scream if he didn't have a voice box. GOD! Will this guy at least TRY to be consistent?!
a gorilla bit its head off.
VAPOREON: Point of order, Mr Bigelsworth. First, you don't see gorillas in the Pokemon World - the nearest you're gonna get's a Primeape. Second, if he'd just had his head bitten off, Pikachu would hardly be in a position to scream, now would he?
ESPEON: I guess old Bigelsworth wanted to win first prize in the Most Unbelievable Death Scene Award.
UMBREON: He's got MY nomination!
But Ass did see the gorilla drop the dead body of Pickachu and run away.
UMBREON: Let's just hope it meets Mr Bigelsworth and bites HIS head off before he tries to dash off more of these . . . WASTES OF WEBSPACE he calls "stories"
"NOOO.....oh well." Ass said.
ESPEON: What the hell . . .?! I thought Pikachu was supposed to be Ash's favourite Pokemon!
UMBREON: So Ash would hardly dismiss his death with an "oh well"
ESPEON: Clearly, old Bigelsworth can't think beyond how horny he can get - or what TOTALLY POINTLESS deaths he can come up with next . . .
He pulled out a red and white ball and threw it on the ground.
JOLTEON: Bigelsworth, since you CLEARLY haven't been paying attention to all the other MSTings of your work, I'll spell it out for you {she starts speaking as slowly as she can} - the . . . red . . . and . . . white . . . balls . . . are . . . called . . . "Po . . . ke . . . balls".
ESPEON: Five-hundred lines! I will not sleep when people are MSTing me! No, wait - you probably can't count to five-hundred . . . better make it FOUR lines. Think you can manage that?
A pile of flesh and bones and remains of a dinosaur thingy with a burning tail popped out.
UMBREON: Doesn't this guy know the names of ANY Pokemon except Pikachu?! And he can't even get THAT right!
ESPEON{furrows her brow}: "Dinosaur thingy with a burning tail"? That's gotta be either Charmander or Charmeleon!
VAPOREON: Whatever it was, if it was dead the tail wouldn't have been burning . . .
"Oops I guess I threw the ball thingy too hard."
JOLTEON: "Oops" is right, Bigelsworth - this "fic", as you call it, has been one big oops from the start.
UMBREON: Plus, I think you'll find Poke Balls are pretty resilient - and you definitely WOULDN'T kill a Pokemon by throwing one too hard.
They continued walking. They came upon the remains of a Pokemon that apparently had been raped.
UMBREON: By Mr Bigelsworth himself, I'll be bound!
VAPOREON: UGH! What Pokemon was it anyway?
ESPEON: Does it matter? Anyway, I assume you meant "raped and MURDERED"!
FLAREON {sighs}: Even more pointless gibberish . . .
"Run away" Ass yelled.
ESPEON: Or Mr Bigelsworth'll come and get you! {makes a scary vampire-face}
After they got about a mile away from the raped Pokemon.
JOLTEON: Now, THAT does not make any sense at all . . .
FLAREON: Hey - let's play Complete the Sentence! I'll go first - um . . . they thought they'd better get out of the fic fast, before Bigelsworth made any more crude remarks, the end!
ESPEON: Yeah, like he'd let us off THAT easy . . .
"Why did we run?" The retarded girl with read hair asked.
VAPOREON: Because Bigelsworth is on the warpath and I wanted to get away before he shoved any more random incidents together.
ESPEON: Step right up, folks! Marvel at the sheer pointless stupidity of Mr Bigelsworth's Famous Plotless Stories!
FLAREON: Plus, he seems to have momentarily forgotten the difference between read, as in "I read the book" and red, as in "The retarded girl with red hair"
UMBREON: For the benefit of any latecomers, that's Bigelsworth's name for Misty.
"The police always think that the criminal returns to the seen of the crime" Ass said
UMBREON: True enough - but . . .
VAPOREON: But WHAT, Umbreon?
UMBREON: Bigelsworth's only gone and used the wrong form of "seen".
JOLTEON: Yeah - listen, Bigelsworth, when you talk about a crime scene, you spell it S - C - E - N - E. S - E - E - N is the past participle of "see". Try getting THAT through your thick skull - jackass!
"They would have caught me."
ESPEON: And what grounds would they have for suspecting Ash, anyway?
JOLTEON: Mr Bigelsworth's dubious testimony. {puts on a voice} Oh I saw Ass Ketchup rape some Pokemon thingy. I dunno what it was cos I hate Pokemon and don't pay attention to it.
They continued on to BitchWhoreville.
FLAREON: Where DOES this jerk get his ideas for place names from?
ESPEON: The Dictionary of Bad Language by the sound of it!
They got to the city.
VAPOREON: Bigelsworth, will you improve your fucking vocabulary?! That sentence sounds like something a four-year-old might write!
UMBREON: Vaporeon, this is Bigelsworth we're talking about - he sees it as his duty to act like a four-year-old.
ESPEON: Actually, I think four-year-olds have more brains . . .
They were walking through the city when all of a sudden,
ESPEON: Mr Bigelworth leapt out from a dark alleyway and flashed them!
Iraqi terrorist guerrillas
VAPOREON: Who had been shoved into the story for no specific reason . . .
JOLTEON: Except to make the whole thing as unreadable as possible.
suddenly opened fire on the townspeople.
FLAREON {shakes her head}: Now, I don't think we needed that "suddenly", Bigelsworth. You've already said it happened "all of a sudden".
ESPEON: Again, it's called proof-reading - do it!
The trio started to run but a bullet caught the blind guy in the back of the head, spraying brains and chunks of skull everywhere.
ESPEON: UGH! {backs off in disgust} Bigelsworth, that is totally GROSS even by your standards!
VAPOREON: Well, he's got rid of Pikachu and Brock - less said about their alleged deaths the better. What's he going to do with Ash and Misty?
FLAREON: I think I've got a PRETTY good idea . . .
Ass screamed in terror.
UMBREON: When Mr Bigelsworth appeared in front of him and began to SUCK HIS GUTS OUT!
Him and the retarded girl ran into the woods.
JOLTEON: Er, don't you mean "HE and the retarded girl . . ."?
VAPOREON: Writing classes - they could help with your little "problem". No! Not THAT problem! That's what relationship counselling's for!
UMBREON: Has he ever been in a relationship, though?
ESPEON: Only with himself . . .
They looked back at the village as U.S bombers dropped napalm on it.
ESPEON: Hey! I thought you said it was a city! Why the sudden change to a village?
UMBREON: Because this "fic" was written by someone who wouldn't know consistency if it bit him in the balls!
FLAREON: Oh, and one more thing, Bigelsworth - if you actually paid ATTENTION, you'd know it was the Iraqis who'd use napalm, not the Americans!
VAPOREON: Neither of them are relevent to the Pokemon World anyway . . .
They watched Iraqis run around in flames. They watched innocent civilians burn alive too.
JOLTEON {shudders}: UGH! That is going TOO far!
UMBREON: Beats me how they managed to watch all that from far away and without binoculars . . . Oh, Bigelsworth doesn't think about little things like that . . .
They turned around and continued to AssMaster City.
ESPEON: Where they planned to check into a hotel, book the Honeymoon Suite and have the HOTTEST SEX EVER!
Ass pulled out a ball thingy
VAPOREON: Has it TOTALLY slipped your mind that the CORRECT term is "Poke Ball"?
UMBREON: Besides, why would Ash open one if he wasn't about to battle or something?
ESPEON: Easy - Bigelsworth's got something disgusting in mind and it involves one of Ash's Pokemon.
JOLTEON: So, what's it gonna be? Wringing Bulbasaur's neck?
and out popped his crab Pokemon thingy.
UMBREON: Will you LOOK at a Pokedex for once?! I don't know if the "crab Pokemon thingy" was a Krabby or a Kingler!
VAPOREON: Whatever it was, it's not gonna last long now Bigelsworth's on its case . . . {she rolls her eyes}
He picked it up. He suddenly dropped it and jumped up and down on it causing it to spray blood everywhere.
VAPOREON: Told you!
ESPEON: Although where Ash got the strength to crush a crab is beyond me . . .
UMBREON: Especially one as large as Kingler. And Krabby's a pretty tough nut to crack as well.
"Why did you do that?" The retarded girl asked.
FLAREON: Funny, I was just planning to ask old Bigelsworth that very question regarding this load of tripe.
ESPEON: Yeah, that'll be the day when he explains what he's got against Pokemon - WITHOUT swearing or badmouthing the fans . . .
JOLTEON: AND when he gets through one of his "fics" without totally FUCKING UP the continuity!
"He was an Iraqi spy" Ass said.
ESPEON: Why do I get the impression that Bigelsworth just pulled that idea out thin air?
UMBREON: Because he's a lame dork and, if he met a REAL Iraqi spy, he'd probably piss himself!
"Oh" the retarded girl said.
VAPOREON: Is that ALL she's gonna say?
ESPEON: Looks like old Bigelsworth stretched his tiny vocabulary to the limit . . .
She could tell that Ass had gone insane.
FLAREON: As would anyone who got stuck being a character in Mr Bigelsworth's "stories"!
ESPEON {muscles tense}: I've been going insane just READING this junk!
She had no other choice.
UMBREON: But to get out of the fic before any more no-brainer stuff happened!
ESPEON: And a Charizard can swim!
VAPOREON: So, what was it Misty didn't have any other choice about . . . Bigelsworth? {adopts a penetrating stare}
FLAREON: I've a feeling we're about to find out . . . {she suppresses a shudder}
Ass turned around to continued too AssMaster City
ESPEON: Bigelsworth, you're DOING IT AGAIN!
JOLTEON: Right! You've used the past tense when it should be in the present AND, if you say someone's "going to" a place, you spell "to" with a SINGLE O.
VAPOREON: I wonder, does Bigelsworth even understand an abstract concept like grammar?
OTHERS IN UNISON: No way!
and she pulled out a pistol.
ESPEON: Which suddenly appeared out of nowhere - as things so often do when Mr Bigelsworth TRIES to write a story.
She took aim at Ass's ass.
{Vaporeon collapses in fits of laughter}
VAPOREON: Hahahahahahahahahaha! That's the funniest thing I've seen in ages! Ass's ass! Hahahahahahaha!
ESPEON {to Jolteon}: I think the lameness is getting to Vaporeon . . .
JOLTEON: Don't worry - leave her to me!
{Jolteon uses her Thunder Attack to shock Vaporeon out of her hysterics}
UMBREON: Moving swiftly on . . .
She fired. The bullet hit Ass in the ass and caused him to drop.
ESPEON {sighs}: WHY would Misty turn on Ash like that?
FLAREON: Because Mr Bigelsworth's writing the fic - and it's ours not to reason why where he's concerned.
She walked over to him. She knelt down and unzipped his pants.
UMBREON: So she could give him a blow-job before he died!
She pulled down his Barney under where
FLAREON: Another meaningless piece of tripe . . .
UMBREON: Unless he meant "under WEAR" spelt W - E - A - R, in which case it should be all one word.
ESPEON: And isn't Ash a little OLD to be wearing Barney underwear?
and shot his microscopic nuts a few times.
ESPEON: I just wish someone would shoot Bigelsworth in the nuts!
FLAREON: If he's got any, that is.
She then left him to die,
JOLTEON: Why doesn't that surprise me? {rolls her eyes}
but only after shooting him in the stomach too. She heard his moans of pain slowly fade in the wind.
ESPEON: Trust Bigelsworth to have to milk it for all it's worth!
JOLTEON: It wasn't worth very much in the first place - and that cliched statement just devalued it even further.
She sighed. She put the gun in her mouth and blew her own head off.
FLAREON: Bye bye, Misty!
UMBREON: So that's all the main characters dead now, Bigelsworth. Any plans to resurrect them and write another antific?
ESPEON: I've got some advice for you, DUMBASS! DON'T even THINK about writing any more of these loads of tripe!
As for Ass's Pokemon,
JOLTEON: Mr Bigelsworth stole them and sold them as processed meat!
Ass's body was never found so the Pokemon starved to death in their little ball things.
VAPOREON: Once again Bigelsworth demonstrates his amazing ignorance of Pokemon!
ESPEON: Yeah - he's forgotten the term "Poke Balls" AGAIN!
FLAREON: Not to mention the fact that Pokemon don't need food when they're in their Poke Balls. In fact, I think they could survive indefinitely . . . in theory.
THE END
JOLTEON: PHEW! I was wondering how much more we had to put up with.
VAPOREON: Yo! Bigelsworth! Do us all a big favour and . . . TAKE A FUCKING HIKE!
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